New Digs

For those interested, I haven't given up cartooning. I'm just over here now: http://www.incivilian.net

Redistribution of Creative Thought Power, by Percentage, Since I Gave Up Cartooning

The 26 Asanas of Bikram Yoga

Leaving-the-House Checklist

Front side:

Reverse side:

Year in Review: September 2010

From

To commemorate the approaching come-and-gone one-year anniversary of our little site here (and in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that at this point I'm completely phoning it in), I'm re-posting my favorite cartoon from each of the last 12 months.

And that does it for the Year in Review. I thought I was going to have to re-post like three more cartoons today to get the thing finished. Then I realized that it would be impossible for me, at present, to post my favorite cartoons from October to December of 2010. I just love math.

Year in Review: August 2010

From

To commemorate the approaching come-and-gone one-year anniversary of our little site here (and in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that at this point I'm completely phoning it in), I'm re-posting my favorite cartoon from each of the last 12 months.

Honorable mention: Too many to name. Seriously, August was my best month by far. Do yourself a favor a take a few minutes to peruse the entire month archive.

Year in Review: July 2010

From

To commemorate the approaching come-and-gone one-year anniversary of our little site here (and in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that at this point I'm completely phoning it in), I'm re-posting my favorite cartoon from each of the last 12 months.

Year in Review: June 2010

From

Honorable mentions:

Subterfuge
Bad Sponsor
Love the Earth

Year in Review: May 2010

From

To commemorate the approaching one-year anniversary of our little site here (and in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that at this point I'm completely phoning it in), I'm re-posting my favorite cartoon from each of the last 12 months.

Honorable mention:

Surrender

Comically Inept began one year ago today. Last Sunday I decided that each day of the coming week I would post one cartoon from each month of the last year. I did this thinking that one week = 10 days and one year = 10 months. It's a recurring mistake that I make, one that adversely affects budgeting and travel-planning. So, here we are, one week later (that's seven days to you new folks), and I've only posted cartoons from October 2009 to last May.

Year in Review: April 2010

Behold! the Chicago Neighborhood Map: North Sider Reference Edition.  By Comically Inept standards, this thing turned into a super-viral phenomenon.  Not only did my Facebook friends not completely ignore it, but two (2) of them reposted it, and one of their combined friends "liked" it.  Seriously, that's pretty gratifying for a guy who gets like one response when he posts the sad truth of attempting to re-potty train his cat by leading by example at the litterbox.  (Onesies, people.  I'm not a savage here.)

Moving along, it's interesting skimming through the old cartoons month-by-month.  Every so often, I went on a positively warm streak and turned out semi-decent work on a semi-regular basis.

Also from April, check out these comparatively fine offerings:

Morning Walk 
Fatherly Advice: Coping
Progress, Not Perfection
Greeting Card Idea (aka "the one with the drowning robot")

Year in Review: March 2010

Dear Bucktown Mother:

I made this lovely badge just for you. You can cut it out and pin it to your sequined terrycloth bebe tracksuit. In return, I'm hoping that the next time you see me headed your way on the sidewalk, you might allow me just a little bit of room to pass by. I appreciate that you can't do anything about the size of your double-wide stroller, and that you tethered your Golden Retriever to the side of the thing (thus monopolizing even more space) because you can't hold a leash, cell phone and grande latte all at the same time. But please, stop forcing me into the street. It's dangerous.


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To commemorate the approaching one-year anniversary of our little site here (and in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that at this point I'm completely phoning it in), I'm re-posting my favorite cartoon from each of the last 12 months. 

I feel like I should have an entire site of posts like this.  I want an entire site of posts like this.

Year in Review: February 2010

From

To commemorate the approaching one-year anniversary of our little site here (and in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that at this point I'm completely phoning it in), I'm re-posting my favorite cartoon from each of the last 12 months. 

Honorable mentions:

Pity Party, Science Fair and Fatherly Advice: Relationships, in addition to a few other fair-to-middlin' entries in the February archive.

Year in Review: January 2010

From Comically Inept

To commemorate the approaching one-year anniversary of our little site here (and in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that I've run out of ideas), I'm re-posting my favorite cartoon from each of the last 12 months. 

Honorable mentions:

Lost the plot
 Facebook

Year in Review: December 2009

From Comically Inept

To commemorate the approaching one-year anniversary of our little site here (and in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that I've run out of ideas), I'm re-posting my favorite cartoon from each of the last 12 months. 

Coming in a close second: the first Fatherly Advice.

Year in Review: November 2009

From

To commemorate the approaching one-year anniversary of our little site here, I'm re-posting my favorite cartoon from each of the last 12 months.

Does this look like a newly married couple crossing the threshold, about to unwittingly plunge into a shark tank?  Well, that was the idea at least.

Burning Desire

Some AA meetings set aside the last five minutes for "burning desires."  On rare occasions, the chairperson will qualify this opportunity as being available for "those who have a burning desire to drink today."  More often than not, however, the stipulation isn't made, and this is what you end up with.

Year in Review: October 2009

We're seven days away from the one-year anniversary of our little site here.  I waited until today to begin posting a countdown of my top-10 favorite cartoons, thinking that one week equals 10 days.  Realizing yet again that this is simply not the case, I've decided to publish 12 posts over the next seven days documenting my favorite cartoons from each month of the last year.

Note to Self represents the obvious choice from October 2009.  But, as it has become a permanent fixture on the right sidebar, it felt a little redundant to post it again here.  So, from October 23 of last year we have Thin Line 1:

Slogans

The Afterlife

Take a Stand at the Urinal: Wash Before You Go

In addition to teaching me the Four-fold Path to Successful Daily Living, my second sponsor also imparted to me the importance of personal hygiene.  "Do you own a toothbrush, Joe?" he asked in response to my question as to which of the 12 Steps I could work in order to attract friends.

"And a tongue brush, Joe.  Do you know what that is?  They sell them at pharmacies."

Our man shared with me his most important piece of wisdom by opening with an anecdote.  As a young Marine recruit, my sponsor had been brusquely informed by a drill sergeant, "Your hands are dirty--not your cock."  I'm not quite sure the exact circumstances surrounding this incident, as the sponsor didn't go into detail, but the message was clear: Pay strict attention to what you're doing and why, at all times. 

Washing hands before using a urinal is nothing but religious brainwash, teaching us gentlemen that our wang-dang-doodles are in and of themselves dirty.  Sorry, but my wang-dang-doodle is the cleanest part of my body.  I rigorously scrub it every morning, using a scrunchie rag and/or loofah in concert with shower gel.  What's more, throughout the day there are at least two layers of clothing insulating my John Thomas from the germs of the surface world.  (Two-and-a-half layers if I've tucked in my shirt.)  My hands, in comparison, are five-fingered petri dishes, teeming with god-knows-what allergens, pathogens, viruses and biles of both yellow and black varieties.  If anything, upon making my acquaintance, you should commemorate the occasion by plunging your hand into my pants and giving us a nice firm shake.

The idea of walking into a bathroom, handling my tackle and only then washing my hands is absurd.  It's absolute medieval superstition, and I'm not going to take it anymore.  It's time to stand up to Judeo-Christian indoctrination and wash before you go.

My borderline NSFW campaign poster for Take a Stand at the Urinal, which contains a doodle of a doodle, is after the jump:

Coming to a Collarbone Near You. (Or Far From You, Depending On the Current Position of Your Body in Relation to My Chest)

It's not the only woman's name I have tattooed on me.  But it is the only woman's name I have tattooed on me that I don't wildly regret having tattooed on me.

It's not so much that I'm out of ideas.  There's the concept for the neighborhood map (a la "Your mind is a bad neighborhood; don't go there alone"), and the diagram of an Appalachian funeral, complete with warring familial faction.  It's just that I'm really lazy.  And since my professional stuff has started picking up recently I don't feel the need to cartoon, as I get my creative ya-yas from the work I do for clients.  I'd love to conflate the professional work and this blog, but the whole marketing cartoon thing has been done.  (Not to mention anonymity issues.)

So here we are.

A few years ago in San Francisco, a guy whipped out the Big Book and showed me a passage from page 13, where Bill Wilson writes "... that of myself I was nothing; that without (god) I was lost."  I adapted that passage into a go-to personal prayer.

Saturday night I dreamt that "without you I'm lost" was tattooed across my chest, the letters jagged in my cartoon scrawl and running just above my collarbone from shoulder to shoulder.  Of course, in the dream I didn't have a Byzantine mural of Jonah and the whale taking up real estate on the right side of my chest, so I thougthidzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yes.  Yes, this is the most interesting thing I can think to write at the moment.  Good thing there aren't any clients reading.

Bright Idea

Whenever things go wrong, whether legitimate tragedy or minor irritant, my initial reaction is to consume massive quantities of drugs/booze/poon/double-chocolate-fudge cake/interwebz.  I know that no matter how full I get, these things will ultimately leave me feeling empty, yet I persist. 

Oh, and hello again.  How are you?

Anxiety (e.g. of the Separation Variety)

From Comically Inept

I'll be hitting the old dusty trail for a few days beginning Saturday. My tablet will most likely make its way into my luggage. Still, I'm not sure how often, if at all, I will cartoon.

Tolerant Tee

From Comically Inept

We ran into the folks from Threadless at the Bucktown Arts Fest. Threadless does contests for t-shirt designs and mottoes. You think it's worth me taking a shot?

Another Lightbulb Moment

From Comically Inept

When Bill Burr says that we need to drop roughly 5,999,970,000 people from the world's current population because said 5,999,970,000 people spend their days walking around looking up at buildings with their mouths hanging open, I howl with delight. As does everyone else in the audience. And I howl with doubled gusto thinking how all these idiots around me can't possibly be part of the 30,000* worldwide who really get it. Nope, it's just me and Bill.

Somebody else asks, "What's the deal with all these bad drivers, am I right?" ARE YOU EVER. They're all out there behind the wheel SMSing and maybe, for all I know, MMSing. (And judging from the way that lady cut me off the other day, apparently some of them are even PMSing. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.)  Just say "bad drivers" to a room of people and they'll all roll their eyes and groan, but there's no way everybody in the joint drives with hands at 10 and 2.

In high school, Da Lench Mob's Guerillas in the Mist became an instant favorite. At one point, I specifically, and somewhat sheepishly, asked my friend Jeff, "So, when J-Dee** says that he's "'Slittin' whitey's throat/Cos he made us ride a boat,' he's not talking about us, specifically, right?" In that instance, Jeff was the only one laughing.

Today while visiting my shrink the light came on. It's only been eight hours, but I already miss being special.

*Is my math off?
**If I'm being honest here, I'm not sure it was J-Dee on that verse.  It could've been Shorty or T-Bone.  But it definitely wasn't Cube.  That I do know.

... And We're Back (R.I.P. Positivity Week)

From Comically Inept

Michael Stipe once said that it was relatively easy for him to write about depression and such-like, whereas he struggled to create anything worthwhile out of happiness. Lest anyone disbelieve him, he went out and did this.*

Positivity Week was more about the absence of negativity than outright optimism.  Some people might even say that it was about puerile meta-level masturbation.  And they might be right (if I understood the comment to begin with).  But that's just like my trip right now.

It's good to be back.  What say we mock some darkness.

*That hat really sums things up.

Wedding Reception Conversation Crib Sheet

From Comically Inept

"Cousin" or "husband" might well be funnier than "wife" in that final instance. Positivity Week has been so ... well, positive that I've had little time to cartoon. Life has been abundant, with clients wanting work, friends actually wanting the sober me to attend their wedding receptions, and a Sunday dinner of bison tacos refusing to make itself.

Congrats to Bobby to and Jen.

Artist Appreciation Postcards

From Comically Inept

No cartoon today.  I'm getting ready to attend a wedding reception after working up an appetite during the Catholic ceremony.

I just spent about 20 minutes perfecting each word of a post on the Artist Appreciation postcard, only for something to go haywire when I decided to have a little HTML fun.  In short: If you'd like a three-pack of these handsome postcards, contact me before the end of the weekend.  comicallyinept at gmail dot com.

Maslow Foam Finger

From Comically Inept

Day 4

From Comically Inept

Positivity Week Logo

From Comically Inept

Just in time to be two days late!

Future Trends

From Comically Inept

Dialoguing (Completely Off-topic)

From Comically Inept

Worth the Wait

From Comically Inept

A decent yuk-yuk cartoon. And it has a positive message. Who says you can't have it both ways?* ¡Viva Positivity Week!

* Certainly not Lisabeth Salander, am I right?**

** Lisabeth Salander, one of the main characters from the best-selling novel The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (or Men Who Hate Women, as the book is known in its native Sweden) has sex with women and men, and thus does indeed "have it both ways."

Woodwind

From Comically Inept

And so begins Positivity Week. I'm expecting few yucks and praying for the courage to be earnest -- if it indeed comes down to that.

Positivity Week (Easing Into Things)

From Comically Inept

Positivity Week begins tomorrow. Here's my Facebook post, which no one but Kelly responded to (not to be confused with the Tweet that no one but Kelly responded to):

Next week will be Positivity Week at Comically Inept. All cartoons will have an upbeat theme. Specifically, there will be no mention of suicidal ideation, crippling depression or the degradation of substance abuse. Which means I'm out of ideas. Any suggestions?

Besides Kelly's suggestions, I'm still out of ideas. In terms of positivity, pickings have been slim indeed as of late. "Hardly news," I can hear you say. (You mouthy bastard.) Here's the thing: in terms of despair, I'm keeping these cartoons and my overall approach right around a three out of 10. As a departed friend of mine once said: "I don't know, man; I think some pretty grim shit." (I say he's departed not because he died but because he moved to Ypsilanti.)

My biggest fear in life is what other people might think about me. I worry about coming across as someone who carries the mess, not the message. But lately I've come to the conclusion that either I'm the most messed up person in 12 Step recovery, or other members are ... let's say, just to put a positive spin on things ... practicing significant restraint while commenting at meetings. (A cynic might say "significantly editing" but not us, not here, not now, not with Positivity Week just around the corner.)

Maybe I'll start laying it all out and lose my readers. Or maybe I'll just keep showing the pretty grim shit to Ms. CI before uploading. Today I showed her the original draft of this cartoon while she happily lazed with the cats.

After looking at her face, I said, "Yeah, I know. I wanted to show it to you now, as opposed to you seeing it pop up online. I thought you might be concerned."

"Uh, yeah," she said. "It's just a little bit dark. Couldn't you at least put a pink bow in there somewhere?"

See, now that's thinking. I tried repeatedly to draw a bow, without luck. So here we are.

DIEYOUNG

From Comically Inept

I originally had this idea when the LIVESTRONG bracelets first hit, around the time of John Kerry's ill-fated run for the Presidency of the United States of America. BUT I DIDN'T HAVE A BLOG BACK THEN. Luckily, they're coming back around, it seems, so here we are.